Something to do while the waters recede...

My only resolution thus far for 2006 is to clean my house before 2006 so that I can start fresh and clean. This is something I have avoided up until now -- not intentionally, but just as a result of the emotional rollercoaster I've endured the last week or two. For the last two weeks there have only been two frames of thinking. The first, never go home. This is partly because once again sharing space with Josh quickly became taxing. I guess I forgot (or blacked out...) the fact that he is somewhat slower than most to catch on to alot of things. This is not to say he is stupid, because he isn't. He has an amazing talent for many things in an artistic and social aspect. However, when a your ex, the father of your child, asks for help...wants to sleep on your couch for a week because he is coming down from who knows what sort of variation of coke...it frustrates you to no end. Particularly when they want you to feel sorry for them. I gave up feeling sorry for him years ago when we parted ways the last time and no matter how hard I try I cannot make myself feel sorry now. I do feel sorry for Aislin though.

Once he finally did go back to his own home (having given up the notion of returning to LA) I began to feel more comfortable with his visits and whatever. I guess I was paranoid that he might never leave. Knowing that he does have a place to go to takes a little of the pressure off. I also think he has come to realize that I'm not going to be able to help him beyond what I have already done and because the little hints he dropped were nauseating I made it clear that there was no chance ever in this life time that I would consider being in a relationship with him again. Ever. And I think he might actually get it.

The other state of mind was one which kept me in bed for any non-working hours watching whatever Netflix and DVDs my friends deemed to loan me. Thanks, Mom. The Grimm Brothers was great. Shortcuts is disturbing. The Emperor and The Assassin is a waste of three hours if you already know anything about the beginnings of the short lived Qin dynasty. Endless hours of Arrested Development nearly brought me out of the stupor.

So, basically I was never home or never out of bed. The house has suffered at the hands of my kids and Josh.

When I woke up this morning my entire neighborhood was flooded. Had I decided to check the mailbox (which I wouldn't do because I use a PO box anyway...but you get the point) I would have had to use a boat to get across my front yard. 20th Ave (my street) had a one foot wide strip down the middle of it that was not flooded. 36th Street (I live on a corner) was completely underwater. I stepped outside to 'enjoy the weather' while I had my scheduled "Saturday morning coffee via long distance phone call" with Damon. A big SUV drove down 36th Street through the flood water at probably 50 mph. The water from the resulting wake reached the ROOF of the neighbors house. Pretty extreme. My daughter's bedroom faces the street and she ran in to tell me that she saw a man walking with a cane through the water and then he dropped his cane in the water (idiot), let it float away and then bent down to tie his shoe...in the water. Only in Oak Park.

In any event that was several hours ago and the water has receded although apparently another storm is headed this way. Lovely. I'm thankful that my "apartment" in this house is upstairs. Carmen and her bunch downstairs may float away but I'll still be here. Well, except my stairs may flood.

12.30.2005

Horoscopes For Today: 12/30/2005
The work arena is where you shine right now. Your drive for success is amped way up, and you're seeing all dimensions of different situations -- particularly how you can use them to your advantage. Sure, you should go for it, but you'll also want to be careful not to burn any bridges or strain any connections. Make certain you're giving back to those who are helping you along your path -- or that you're issuing some serious IOUs.

Ex Charged After Phone Forced Down Woman's Throat

KANSAS CITY, Mo. -- A Missouri man has been accused of forcing a cell phone down his ex-girlfriend's throat last week.

Police in Kansas City said Marlon Brando Gill has been charged with felony assault.
According to court documents, Melinda Abell told detectives that Gill, her ex-boyfriend, had forced her into a car and demanded to see her cell phone. They were stopped in a parking lot, and Abell said Gill grabbed her by the mouth, held it open and shoved the phone down her throat until it became lodged. Surgeons had to remove it.

Police initially issued a statement saying she had swallowed the phone. A spokesman now explains that investigators weren't able to talk to her until after the surgery.

Police are searching for Gill. He is 5 feet 9 inches and 180 pounds. Anyone with information on his whereabouts is asked to call the TIPS Hotline at (816) 474-8477.
Abell remained hospitalized, but officials said her condition is improving.

Vincent Schiavelli Dies

Well-Known Character Actor Vincent Schiavelli Dies
Character Actor Appeared In 'Ghost,' 'Fast Times'

ROME -- You probably don't know his name, but oh, that face.
Movie fans would recognize Vincent Schiavelli's droopy eyes, big nose and all-around creepy look.
Schiavelli died of lung cancer Monday at his home in Sicily. He was 57. His funeral will be held Tuesday.
Schiavelli played the ghost that Patrick Swayze bumped into on the subway in "Ghost." Fans of "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" know him as Mr. Vargas. And he played one of the patients in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

In addition to acting, Schiavelli wrote three cookbooks.

Christmas

Now that it is finally over...here is the wisdom I've brought away from the holidays.

1. NEVER wear a skirt to sit on Santa's lap.

After much primping in the bathroom at the Country Club Plaza mall, Temperance and I got our photos with Santa. Thankfully, we were the only people there at the time because we would have seriously held up the line. Photo 1 went well as it was just Temperance and I though she initially did not want to actually sit on Santa's lap. He assured her that he worked out every day and that he could "handle" both of us. Photos 2-4 were just me and Santa. The first included a bit of a view up my skirt so with the second I crossed my legs, apparently providing a view of "the whole Nile valley" as the photo elf so elegantly stated. The third I covered myself with BOTH hands but had my eyes closed. At this point Santa pulled out a battery operated hand held fan from inside his Santa suit and fanned me. "Just let me know when you are ready." The final picture turned out ok, but I had given up on smiling. Now that I look at it, I still look like I'm 12 years old so I don't know what I was worried about.

2. Christmas trees require "Christmas tree stands".

I knew this somehow, but it was knowledge that was deep in the back of my brain and I did not realize how important the tree stand was until I actually had the tree at my house and was unable to make it stand up. My tree sat for almost two days propped up against a bookcase sitting in a big bowl of water.


3. Christmas trees die very quickly.

I had to drag the tree up the (indoor, carpeted) stairs. Pine needles everywhere. I had to prop it against a bookcase. Needles everywhere. I had to have part of the bottom cut off after I got the stupid tree stand. Needles everywhere. So I vacuum. My vacuum explodes and melts all at the same time. I bought a new little vacuum but I have yet to vacuum again. I don't want to hurt the new vacuum and I know that getting it out of the house will be even more messy (though I honestly am going to just throw it down the stairs.

4. Glass paint doesn't ever really dry.

So when you try to paint glass ornaments with glass paint by pouring a little inside the ornament and swirling it around it will just end up with a puddle of paint in the bottom. At the end of the season you can just pour the paint out. Also, tinsel stuffed inside the ornament works well to hide the puddle of paint.


5. Fuck christmas spirit, don't let ANYONE stay on your couch.

This kindness backfired on me in the worst ways imaginable. I was lied to. I was taken advantage of. I was coerced into doing someone else's laundry. I kept my mouth shut when I was cooking dinner and was told, "You know, there's nothing hotter than an Irish girl peeling potatoes". The potato peeler nearly ended up inside his eye socket. This comment was only second on the list of "reasons to kill" to the 50 times he brought up "jokingly" that we should get married or that he would at least like to tell my ex that we had gotten married. But like all annoying insects, now that all the food and money is completely gone from my house, he left.

6. Speaking of which, fuck ex's, too. But, you know... don't really fuck them.

Josh was bad on my couch, but at least he did the dishes once. Today I had to deal with Andrew. I was very, very happy when yesterday Lhiannan, my oldest, called me from Folsom to tell me that she was in town and wanted to come see me. She has been in San Jose with her dad, new wife, and new kids for the last two weeks visiting during her winter break from school. I picked her up Christmas day and she spent the night. Tonight she was supposed to go back. I was annoyed already when for whatever reason he was insistent that I bring her back to him. I cannot logistically think of any way you could possibly drive from FOLSOM to SAN JOSE without driving through SACRAMENTO. He was obviously just being an asshole but I was trying to keep the peace despite the fact that I had called 7 times to find out what time to bring her back and he never returned the calls until we had sat down to eat dinner and he "was leaving in an hour no matter what". Jerk. I get on the freeway and start driving. We get as far as Rancho Cordova and I have her call him to let him know we are on the way. He asks her "do you need directions?" which completely stops me. Why would I need directions when I had just been there the day before. Why? Because he changed his mind and was now in Orangevale and wanted me to turn around and drive there instead. Fuck you, my friend.
Guess who isn't going back to her dad's for the rest of the Winter Break.



7. Lastly, making cookies is much messier than buying them store bought, but it is tons more fun.


Although I could have lived without having to call my mom and ask her where I went wrong with the icing.
Me: I'm making those cookies and they come with icing mix but no instructions.
Mom: What are you talking about?
Me: The peppermint ones...
Mom: Oh, I didn't make those.
Me: Ok, but how do you make icing. It's not on here anywhere.
Mom: Why wouldn't it be there?
Me: I don't know but it's not.
Mom: Then what's the part that says "Icing directions".
Me: Oh. Yeah. Those instructions.



8. Kelly Clarkson and Mariah Carey are actually tolerable...

...when played on your daughters kareoke machine while she sings along with her new microphone and dances by the light of her new disco ball.

Didley Squat @ Old I and more...

This fellow won the hand doll dance contest.

My second to newest friend, Sal. He gracefully dodged the camera while I attempted to photograph the hand doll. So I offered to take his picture.

Then Sal decided to take my picture stating that he had taken photography in college. I'm guessing since my eyes are closed that I was probably about three beers into the evening. Realizing that he was more qualified, I gave him my camera and he took about half of the band pictures.

My all time favorite picture of anything, ever.

It's all about tight teen pussy.

In case you ever wondered what the girls bathroom in Piece's looked like...

Hey, I'm fucking hott?!

At the end of the evening I met up with my newest friend, Tony. We apparently made a deal and shook on it. I have no idea what the deal may be...

12.21.05

Horoscopes For Today: 12/21/2005
Time to take care of the mundane details -- the shopping, the mopping, the laundry, the stuff on the last-minute to-do list. It may be tough to squeeze it all in since you're so busy, but the effort will definitely be worth it. After all, the sooner it's over with, the sooner you can get to enjoying all the jolliness around you -- and there's going to be plenty of that to go around. Stock up on some emergency festive supplies while you're at it!

12.19.05

Horoscopes For Today: 12/19/2005
One of your greatest strengths is your ability to move forward with impressive energy and tons of verve. Right now, you're doing so in fine style -- so fine that it may be getting you noticed in a romantic way. Be sure you're tuned into the sweet little signals that someone's sending you while you're conquering your world. And when you apply your bold style to this amorous interpersonal situation, they'll likely be swooning.

House Guest

At 5:45 this morning I got a phone call from Josh, my youngest daughter's dad, to please pick him up from the Greyhound station as he had just arrived back from L.A. I have agreed to let him stay at my place for a few days before he returns to Burbank on Thursday to pick up his stuff and then the girl he was staying with will be driving him back to Sacramento (and I'm assuming to his own house.)

I'm not sure why he is here other than wanting to spend some time with Aislin. I have the feeling he is embaressed about leaving and I think he might be hiding a little from his dad. I don't know.

In any event he is passed out on my couch. I went back to sleep after I picked him up and I don't know how long he and Aislin stayed up before he fell back asleep. It's lunch time and Aislin is hungry but when I went in the kitchen to make her food she made me turn all the lights back off because 'Daddy wants the lights off because he is sleeping.' Had I been the one sleeping -- well she would have woke me up hours ago. I think I will get a few hours of work in today since I can't lock myself in my room while he sleeps all day.

Freeway Dating?

At lunch today I went to the bank to deposit a check and jumped back onto CCF right around P street where all the traffic basically becomes a parking lot to go back to work (by Cal Expo). Like any other Friday traffic was pretty terrible and I think I almost got up to 15 miles per hour only once. But apparently during that time I was able to make a friend.

I was driving along minding my own business and now that I think about it I think I was singing along to the Gorillas song Dare. (Well, that's embaressing.) I hear a horn honking but I'm oblivious to these sorts of things. There is a mini van in the right lane next to me and I realize that for whatever reason they are not driving along with the traffic and are in fact pacing my car. I realize that this person has actually been honking at me and I freaked out a little bit wondering if I cut them off at some point and they are hunting me down to exact revenge. But no, he waves. Weird. I wave back. I'm a nice person, after all. I try to pull ahead of him a little but I don't get anywhere since the traffic is moving really slow. He honks again and I look this time to see him gesturing to his (bare) ring finger. (This I take as sign language for 'Are you married') . I shake my head at him and hold my hands up to show no ring. I have no idea why. I can feel at this point that I am blushing really, really bright red. Again, I try to pull forward a bit. I don't get anywhere. He honks again. Now he is making the universal 'phone' sign by holding is hand with a finger to the ear and a finger to the mouth. At this point my blushing is unbearable and I broke a sweat (sexy, huh?). I pulled it off by laughing, shrugging and shaking my head no. He smiles and eventually he pulls away and gets into another lane.

So...logistically, how would this have been possible? I can see getting a number at a stop light. But on the freeway? He also was pretty decent looking, but nothing says Married With Kids like a guy driving a minivan by himself.

Either way...it was a very nice ego boost for a few minutes. Now I'm thinking - oh shit, was I singing again? And could he see all the garbage in my car? Also, my car windows are dirty, maybe he couldn't really see me at all. I also wondered if it was someone I knew playing a joke on me, but while he seemed vaguely familiar the way everyone in Sacramento looks familiar to me I couldn't seem to place him as someone I would have ever met.

Anyhow, thanks minivan guy! Good luck on your quest!

12.16.05

Horoscopes For Today: 12/16/2005
You're certainly passionate about what
you believe right now -- even more so than usual. Whether you're convinced that
an aspect of work should be handled in a specific manner, or maybe something in
current events has your sensibilities inflamed, or perhaps an issue from another
area altogether, you're wound up and not likely to unwind anytime soon.
Expressing your views is one thing, but guard against getting
inappropriately emotional about it.

Funny, I'm always 'inappropriately emotional'.

Anyway.

We had our gift exchange at work today and I ended up with a very cool tree with flowers. Seeing as how it's probably the only gift that I will not be buying for myself I am really excited about it.

Aislin's new career path

Aislin is super pissed off and sitting in her room bawling her eyes out because she wants to 'make a film' right now. She just watched the original King Kong and apparently the only thing she picked up on was the filmmaker parts. Keep in mind, she is 4 years old. She has a big plastic projector thing that looks like a telescope and projects images off of viewfinder slides. If you have kids or were a kid within the last 20 or so years you know what a viewfinder is. For the rest of you it is a toy that looks like bright red binoculors. You put these little wheel slides in it and pull a handle to make it skip to the next image.

So there she is with her projector. She has now attempted TWICE to put actual DVDs into the slot that the slides goes into and is really pissed that I won't let her continue to ruin all the DVDs in the house. I even told her that I would let her use my camera tomorrow to make her own 'film' as long as she went to bed but I guess a digital camera is nothing compared to a fake projector once you've watched the original King Kong.

To end the dispute, I've promised to read a few more chapters of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. She thinks she knows a special secret because we went to see the movie after reading the first book together, The Magician's Nephew, which tells all about how Narnia was actually made and wasn't in the movie. For a brat she can be really cute sometimes.

12.15.05

Horoscopes For Today: 12/15/2005
Quick -- get someone to help you handle the details. Whether at work or at home, you're busy with high-level big new ideas that you're generating a mile a minute. You'll need some assistance with the little things and the follow-through. Knowing you, you won't forget to give credit where credit is due when what you're putting together now earns you big props, so someone should be happy to get on board.

Waiting for the kettle to boil

I've officially given in to being sick. I thought last night that I could tough it out and I went out for a bit to Weatherstone and Streets of London. I was feeling mostly OK but this morning when I woke up my throat was basically swollen shut. I feel like poo. I hit Safeway first thing this morning and stocked up on Theraflu, tissue, tea, and non-salty snack foods (carrots, celery and dip). I plan on spending the day on the couch watching movies although I have promised myself that if I'm still alive later on that I will drag my ass to a King Kong matinee.

I was up all night on the phone also which I'm sure didn't help my throat any. Today I don't think I've been able to say more than two words at a time barely above a whisper without cringing in pain.

RIP Goldie

A few weeks ago we 'buried' Goldie. I am still not sure if his/her death was caused by harrassment from Kitty aka FatAss the Pig or by Kristi the sucker fish who had taken a liking to Goldie and was continually sucking his/her fins until they were only shreds. I guess, if I had to go, I'd want it to be death by fin sucking. Sounds nice.

Surprise, surprise

Aislin's dad just called crying and already wants to come home from his little adventure in L.A.

I have talked to him for half of the night and he almost has me convinced that if someone else pays the bill that I should drive down to Burbank in a rental to drive him back to Sacramento.

What the fuck is wrong with me!?

12.13.05

Horoscopes For Today: 12/13/2005
That obstacle you've been battering away at just isn't budging, but luckily now's the perfect time to try a new tactic. A fresh idea could come to you from out of the blue -- maybe it's a way to get around what's been holding you back instead of continuing to pound your head against it -- and it's even more likely to happen if you do a little brainstorming. Suddenly where there was only one answer, now there are several options, and what seemed so difficult can be easy as pie.

12.12.05

Horoscopes For Today: 12/12/2005
If you get the chance for a one-on-one meeting with your boss or if you're asked to give an impromptu presentation, jump on it. You can further your personal agenda with the greatest of ease at the moment, and you'll look great doing it. Your powers of communication are on fire, and you're able to be simultaneously forceful and charming -- a winning combination, indeed. It's a very good time to go after what you want.

What I want -- more money. What I deserve – way more money. My review is coming up soon. A raise has been promised. Will it happen? Stay tuned.

Ashley's 5th Birthday - Pictures

Ashley is one of Aislin's best friends who recently moved to Lodi. This was a fun reunion for them.

Didley Squat @ Luna's

I've officially now seen this band more than any other band ever.

Kinda proud

I'm kinda proud of my company today - or rather my co-workers. This is an email from the CEO of the company...

At this morning’s United Way campaign finale, we announced another
record-breaking pledge of $8,100,627.35, which is more than 15 percent above
last year’s record-breaking year at $7,016,935.

When
combined with the dollar-for-dollar Nationwide Foundation match, the total
pledge is $16 million. This will benefit more than 750 United Way agencies
across the country in communities where we live and work.

With
tragedies such as the tsunami and Hurricane Katrina, the need to support your
communities is greater than ever. Associates, agents and retirees joined forces
to generously contribute to these United Way Relief Funds: more than $174,000 to
the Tsunami Relief Fund and more than $300,000 to the Hurricane Katrina
Fund.

Please join me in thanking our 2005 United Way campaign chair
Jim Burke, and all the volunteers who worked so hard to ensure another
successful campaign.

Thank you for investing in what matters.

Freaked out

Ok, so this is my workload right now. This is not including either of my 3 official 'inboxes' or the 7 boxes of work I've stacked in the corner:

12.08.05

Horoscopes For Today: 12/8/2005
The universe is challenging you right
now to be more tolerant. This may feel like your patience is being tried by
forces -- or people -- beyond your control and this can be mighty annoying. Do
something active to get some energy out, do your best to go with the flow -- and
smile while doing it. The first step might be to cut yourself some slack, thus
making it easier for you to do the same for others.

12.07.05

Horoscopes For Today: 12/7/2005
Even the most extroverted rams need a break from battering their way forward. Now's the time for some downtime, and you may even find yourself uncharacteristically lost deep in thought. What you're mulling over now may be puzzling, but the process is definitely a productive one. Take some free-form notes about what's going through your head so you can refer to them later when you're back in full-steam-ahead mode.

Well, I don't know what that's about -- I'm 100% introverted 100% of the time. And what's this about downtime? I don't have time for downtime...

Happy is the new Moody

Horoscopes For Today: 12/5/2005
A friend in need may be a friend indeed, but
this can also mean they're a pain in the behind. While it may be slightly
excruciating, you yourself will need to exercise your patience muscle when it
comes to platonic relationships now. If they need to vent about work, or their
honey, or the price of gas -- and vent, and vent -- it's your duty to make
sympathetic noises, at least for a certain amount of time.

Oh come on now, it’s Monday.


The Beat: I am at this moment listening to the new Matisyahu “Live at Stubbs” album. You are probably not. Particularly if you shop at the Beat. I have come to the understanding that the Beat only sells music that either no one listens to –or- everyone listens to. There is no middle ground here. No little niche for people like me who listen to more or less off the wall stuff. I have never once in my entire life walked into the Beat with a certain album in mind and walked out with anything other than a frown on my face. I thought this place was supposed to cater to ‘rarer’ finds. Apparently only if ‘rarer’ is disco and comes in vinyl. In any event, this was one album that I would have actually paid for had I been able to find it when I looked. Using the scientific method here I have come to the conclusion that the Beat contributes to illegal downloading. (Yes, I will use any excuse I can to justify my downloading habits and no force on earth can make me feel guilty about it.)
Update: Yesterday on the radio the DJ person announced that this album is simply impossible to find in Sacramento or anywhere else. If you want to purchase it online you will have to look really hard and be willing to put down at least $25. Ok, Beat, I’ll let you slide this time. But what about that time I was desperately trying to find the soundtrack for ‘The Secretary’? Where were you for me then, Beat?

Passion: Speaking of Matisyahu, I will have to come out and just admit that I have a big, fat crush on him. Listening to the album is one thing, but you have to watch the video for “King Without a Crown”. Trust me. You can find it on the website at http://www.hasidicreggae.com. First, I have to say because people have asked me this: Yes – I know he is singing about God. And yes, for the record I am an atheist. Many people equate atheism to anti-religion. This is not the case. Well, actually, for many unenlightened people I suppose it is. But it is not the case for me. I actually envy those who can believe in religion and am not really ‘anti-religion’. I do think it’s rather misguided and possibly not very smart, but I am not here to judge. It’s not my fault; blame science for proving to me what church cannot.
Back to the point – here is this very traditional looking Hassidic Jew, which to me and my unreligious uneducated mind brings thoughts of things like darkened rooms and chanting. And here is this guy – stage diving. It’s a huge juxtaposition of images for me. I kept thinking, “Is his yarmulke going to fall off?”
The point here is this – this guy really turns me on. Why? His passion. He is so passionate about his beliefs and you can hear it in his voice and he is jumping into a crowd and shouting it at the top of his lungs and he is happy. Happy is sexy. Happy is the new moody.

People who walk without moving their arms: People who walk without swinging their arms freak me out. Enough said.

History?

"But how can the present decide what will be judged truth in the future? We are doing the work of prophets without their gift. We replaced vision by logical deduction; but although we all started from the same point of departure, we came to divergent results. Proof disproved proof and finally we had to recur to faith -- to axiomatic faith in the rightness of one's own reasoning. That is the crucial point. We have thrown all ballast overboard; only one anchor holds us: faith in one's self. Geometry is the purest realization of human reason; but Euclid's axioms cannot be proved. He who does not believe in them sees the whole building crash...."

"...The fact is: I no longer believe in my infallibillity. That is why I am lost."

From -- Darkness at Noon, Arthur Koeslter

Day 20 - Feast Day

Third time had better be a fucking charm.
I hate blogger sometimes. Perhaps my enormity of my giant stomach is keeping blogger from publishing this. Who can say. On with the (freak) show.

Today is Feast Day:

"Protest against our anorexic times by stuffing yourself in Roman Emperor style all day long. Invite all your friends over. Lie down rather than sit, as it's less tiring and makes it easier to slip into sexual debauchery if necessary. Prepare all the dishes ahead of time so eating is not interrupted. Chatting may be allowed provided that it does not impede the flow of food. Copious drinking will help wash it down. Once you literally cannot stomach anymore, vomit and start afresh. When in Rome..."

I cooked some sort of casserole thing that consisted of Quorn Naked Cutlets (meatless "chicken breasts" for those of you not in the know...) on top of herbed rice all smothered with a creamy lemon sauce. It did not look pretty, but it tasted very yummy.




This did terrible things to my waistline. Notice the red marks. And the pants whose buttons are about to give out. (But be kind; I have had two children after all.)




My friend's waistline looks worse than mine. And hairier I might add.



There was no copious drinking or sexual debauchery to be found which is disappointing, I know. I didn't bother to invite anyone else over because Josh is, as usual, on my couch this week.

The only question remaining: Who gets to do the dishes? I don't have roman slaves...

Day 19 - Today Test the Power of Prayer

I've been putting this off for awhile and I've no idea why.

Today, test the power of prayer.
"Prayer is a very much underexploited resource in modern society. Just because prayers sound fancier if they're about world peace doesn't mean they can't work for the most mundane matters. Put those atheistic leanings aside and test the power of prayer today."

Some examples:

"Dear God, May interest rates stay as they are today so that I may not be forced to sell my home and live out in the suburbs where the houses are ugly and the parks brown."
"Father, Please let the supermarket not have run out of seabass for then I shall be forced to reconsider my entire dinner party menu."
"Dear God, I pray that the television channels I receive may prove entertaining enough this week to fill the black hole that is my social life."

Here's mine:
After spending nearly 5 1/2 hours watching Fellini movies and seeing all the beautiful women I was struck with the urge to cut my hair and to have sex many, many times with Marcello Mastroianni. Unfortunately, he died of pancreatic cancer the year my oldest child was born so I was out of luck with Marcello. I also could not afford a haircut. So I took matters into my own hands:

"Dear God,
Please grant me the ability to cut my own hair without fucking it up as it is really getting on my nerves."

The results -- not so good at all. But now I'm motivated to get a real haircut.





Today Aislin managed to pull down the entire closet pole and all the clothes hanging on it (much like mine was broken for weeks). So, another prayer:

"Dear God,
Grant me the patience and tolerance to not kill Aislin for breaking the clothes pole in the kids closet and pulling all of Lhiannan's clothes to the ground. Actually, please grant Lhiannan the patience to not kill her."

Day 18 - Free Someone Today

I was going to free some more ladybugs but since the thermometer outside has dipped to 29 degrees this morning that would be more like "executing a ladybug today". Also, probably because of the cold, the ladybugs have pretty much disappeared.

I turned to the old "save someone" standby - Amnesty International.

Read the following article:

Secret detentions in the “war on terror”

Imagine that one minute you are eating dinner with your family and the next you are hooded, handcuffed, and dragged away. Your family is not told where you were taken. After your initial interrogation, you are taken to a plane: it takes off, but no one tells you where it’s going and when it lands you don’t even know what country you’re in.

You are put in a cell, completely isolated, with no windows and only a bucket for a toilet. Artificial lights are on all the time and a constant low-level hum comes out of the loudspeakers. You cannot sleep and feel very anxious. The guards, dressed completely in black, communicate only with hand gestures. Interrogators insult you about the things most sacred to you and make you stand motionless for long periods of time. You feel like you are going mad and just want this to stop. And to make matters worse, you still haven’t been told why you are there, nor are you allowed to speak to a lawyer or your family. No one knows where you are.

You may have to imagine such a situation, but someone like Muhammad al-Assad has actually lived through similar experiences.

Enter into Muhammad al-Assad’s world. He was “disappeared” for almost 16 months and has recently reappeared in Yemen.

In the US administration’s “war on terror”, Muhammad al-Assad is just one of the countless many who have been held secretly, in incommunicado detention and subjected to torture or ill-treatment at the hands of US officials.

Help Muhammad al-Assad by writing to US and Yemeni authorities. Take action to ensure that he is released unless he is to be charged with an internationally recognizable criminal offence. If he is charged, then he must be brought to trial in a reasonable time and in full accordance with international standards, without recourse to the death penalty.

Read the full report

So, I wrote a letter (sort of).

Dear Secretary of State Rice:

I am deeply concerned at the use of secret detention facilities, also known as “black sites,” that facilitate a policy of “disappearance”, secret transfer and secret incommunicado detention pursuant to US administration’s “war on terror”.
The case of Muhammad Abdullah Salah al-Assad illustrates this point. Muhammad al-Assad, a Yemeni national resident in Tanzania, was seized by Tanzanian authorities in December 2003. Reports indicate that he was handed over to US officials and interrogated in a series of secret detention centres abroad. He was detained incommunicado for 16 months. The treatment he recounts while in the final detention centre corroborates with testimony given to Amnesty International by Salah Nasser Salim ‘Ali and Muhammad Faraj Ahmed Bashmillah about their detention in a covert US-run facility. All three men were transferred to Yemen in May 2005 where they remain in detention, without charge or trial.
The Yemeni authorities told Amnesty International that the US Embassy in Sana’a had notified them of the three men’s transfer to Yemen and given explicit instructions not to release them. The authorities claim that they are “awaiting files” from the US authorities, so that they can bring them to trial. A high-ranking Yemeni political security official said that the three men would be released if requested by the US administration.
Secrecy has characterised the US-led “war on terror,” from the hiding of detainees in Afghanistan and Iraq, the practice of rendition, to the USA’s refusal to provide exact details of who is held at Guantánamo Bay. The use of these “black sites” to facilitate indefinite and incommunicado detention of suspects is just the latest example of such policies.

Madame Secretary, I urge you to:
- Disclose the location and status of the detention centres where Muhammad Abdullah Salah al-Assad, Muhammad Faraj Ahmed Bashmilah and Salah Nasser Salim ‘Ali were held; disclose the identities and whereabouts of all others held at these places and their legal status, and invite the ICRC to have full and regular access to those detained;

- End immediately the practices of incommunicado and secret detention wherever it is occurring, and under whatever agency;

- Hold detainees only in officially recognized places of detention with access to family, lawyers and courts;

- Ensure that any person alleged to have perpetrated an act of “disappearance” should, when the facts disclosed by an official investigation so warrant, be brought before the competent civil authorities for prosecution and trial, in accordance with Article 14 of the UN Declaration on the Protection of all Persons from Enforced Disappearance;

- Clarify the current legal status of former secret detainees Muhammad Abdullah Salah al-Assad, Muhammad Faraj Ahmed Bashmilah and Salah Nasser Salim ‘Ali. If US policy is to relinquish all custody and control over detainees transferred to the control of another government, it should state clearly that this is the case with regard to these three men, and emphasise that there are no US conditions attached to their transfer;

- State clearly that there are no conditions attached to the transfer of Walid Muhammad Shahir Muhammad al-Qadasi, who was released from Guantánamo in April 2004, and who remains in detention in Yemen without charge or trial;

- Withdraw all requests or demands to the Yemeni government for the continued detention of persons, unless it is with a view to prompt prosecution for internationally recognizable criminal offences and in accordance with international standards for fair trial;

- Release all detainees in US custody at undisclosed locations unless they are to be charged with internationally recognizable criminal offences and brought to trial promptly and fairly, in full accordance with relevant international standards, and without recourse to the death penalty;

- Reaffirm the prohibition on torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment, and make it clear to all officials involved in the treatment or interrogation of detainees and prisoners that such acts are prohibited absolutely and anyone who engages in such acts will be prosecuted;

- Investigate all allegations of torture and other ill-treatment of Muhammad Abdullah Salah al-Assad, Muhammad Faraj Ahmed Bashmilah and Salah Nasser Salim ‘Ali and ensure that anyone found responsible is brought to justice;

- Prohibit the return or transfer of persons to places where they are at risk of torture or other ill-treatment;

- Provide full reparation including restitution, compensation and rehabilitation, and satisfaction.

The USA must end the practice of secret detention. Not only do such conditions encourage torture and ill-treatment, but to be "disappeared" from the face of the earth without knowing why or for how long is a crime under international law and is an experience no family and no one should have to go through.

Thank you for your attention.


Yours sincerely,
Stephanie Buck


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"Just keep breathing..."

I need to vent before my head explodes. I am so pissed off that I cannot even see straight. This could be because I am doing my best not to cry at work and I’m not doing a very good job of it so my eyes are all teary and blurry. I’m sick and tired of every idiot person thinking that they can just walk all over me and more importantly, my kids. Apparently I am the only person who even remotely considers how their actions affect other people. I’m starting to wonder if I am deliberately being tested. I realize this is not a valid excuse but seriously, who in the world has worse luck in life than I do?

7:30 this morning I got a phone call from Aislin’s dad, Josh. Josh has not seen Aislin for quite some time since he is a giant flakey asshole. Despite all this Aislin still loves him and asks for him every day. I have tried to do my best over the years since Josh and I have been separated to not get her hopes up about him but I have failed miserably many times. For example, he didn’t show up for her birthday (but then, neither did the guy I had been dating for 1.5 years). I told her he was coming because he told me he was coming and he never showed. I regret that. For Thanksgiving he called her twice in the morning and told her he was coming to get her. He called me around 3pm and said that he was going to a friends house and wouldn’t be seeing her.

This morning he called to tell me that he is moving away. I should have seen it coming I guess. His flight leaves at 6:00 tonight. He has no intention of saying goodbye to her. Of course, it is up to me to explain to her where he is and somehow I am supposed to do this in the “parental” way where you don’t make the other person sound so bad. I can’t tell her that he is a selfish piece of shit alcoholic drug user and has decided to just quit his job and move away to ‘better himself’. I can’t let her know that he absolutely did not want to say goodbye to her. I can’t tell her that the odds of her ever seeing him anytime soon are nil. I can’t explain the difference between him living 10 miles away and him living 360 miles away particularly since he never saw her when he was only 10 miles away to begin with.

This doesn’t even touch on the fact that she just needs a dad and that I need help raising her. She is a difficult child – I will never dispute that. When I recently had to go to a psychologist for her I didn’t even think that having to explain to the Doctor that I was late because I had been standing out in the parking lot for 20 minutes waiting for her dad who is always late would be the least of my problem. Now, I have to do it completely alone because she has no one but me.

At the YMCA this morning the teachers were sitting around talking about the fact that so many of the kids that they have spent so many years with will be leaving to start Kindergarten next year. Aislin is one of those kids. I can’t believe that she is about to start real school and that she will have performances and report cards – none of which her dad will ever see.

Merry Christmas, Aislin.