"Just keep breathing..."
I need to vent before my head explodes. I am so pissed off that I cannot even see straight. This could be because I am doing my best not to cry at work and I’m not doing a very good job of it so my eyes are all teary and blurry. I’m sick and tired of every idiot person thinking that they can just walk all over me and more importantly, my kids. Apparently I am the only person who even remotely considers how their actions affect other people. I’m starting to wonder if I am deliberately being tested. I realize this is not a valid excuse but seriously, who in the world has worse luck in life than I do?
7:30 this morning I got a phone call from Aislin’s dad, Josh. Josh has not seen Aislin for quite some time since he is a giant flakey asshole. Despite all this Aislin still loves him and asks for him every day. I have tried to do my best over the years since Josh and I have been separated to not get her hopes up about him but I have failed miserably many times. For example, he didn’t show up for her birthday (but then, neither did the guy I had been dating for 1.5 years). I told her he was coming because he told me he was coming and he never showed. I regret that. For Thanksgiving he called her twice in the morning and told her he was coming to get her. He called me around 3pm and said that he was going to a friends house and wouldn’t be seeing her.
This morning he called to tell me that he is moving away. I should have seen it coming I guess. His flight leaves at 6:00 tonight. He has no intention of saying goodbye to her. Of course, it is up to me to explain to her where he is and somehow I am supposed to do this in the “parental” way where you don’t make the other person sound so bad. I can’t tell her that he is a selfish piece of shit alcoholic drug user and has decided to just quit his job and move away to ‘better himself’. I can’t let her know that he absolutely did not want to say goodbye to her. I can’t tell her that the odds of her ever seeing him anytime soon are nil. I can’t explain the difference between him living 10 miles away and him living 360 miles away particularly since he never saw her when he was only 10 miles away to begin with.
This doesn’t even touch on the fact that she just needs a dad and that I need help raising her. She is a difficult child – I will never dispute that. When I recently had to go to a psychologist for her I didn’t even think that having to explain to the Doctor that I was late because I had been standing out in the parking lot for 20 minutes waiting for her dad who is always late would be the least of my problem. Now, I have to do it completely alone because she has no one but me.
At the YMCA this morning the teachers were sitting around talking about the fact that so many of the kids that they have spent so many years with will be leaving to start Kindergarten next year. Aislin is one of those kids. I can’t believe that she is about to start real school and that she will have performances and report cards – none of which her dad will ever see.
Merry Christmas, Aislin.
7:30 this morning I got a phone call from Aislin’s dad, Josh. Josh has not seen Aislin for quite some time since he is a giant flakey asshole. Despite all this Aislin still loves him and asks for him every day. I have tried to do my best over the years since Josh and I have been separated to not get her hopes up about him but I have failed miserably many times. For example, he didn’t show up for her birthday (but then, neither did the guy I had been dating for 1.5 years). I told her he was coming because he told me he was coming and he never showed. I regret that. For Thanksgiving he called her twice in the morning and told her he was coming to get her. He called me around 3pm and said that he was going to a friends house and wouldn’t be seeing her.
This morning he called to tell me that he is moving away. I should have seen it coming I guess. His flight leaves at 6:00 tonight. He has no intention of saying goodbye to her. Of course, it is up to me to explain to her where he is and somehow I am supposed to do this in the “parental” way where you don’t make the other person sound so bad. I can’t tell her that he is a selfish piece of shit alcoholic drug user and has decided to just quit his job and move away to ‘better himself’. I can’t let her know that he absolutely did not want to say goodbye to her. I can’t tell her that the odds of her ever seeing him anytime soon are nil. I can’t explain the difference between him living 10 miles away and him living 360 miles away particularly since he never saw her when he was only 10 miles away to begin with.
This doesn’t even touch on the fact that she just needs a dad and that I need help raising her. She is a difficult child – I will never dispute that. When I recently had to go to a psychologist for her I didn’t even think that having to explain to the Doctor that I was late because I had been standing out in the parking lot for 20 minutes waiting for her dad who is always late would be the least of my problem. Now, I have to do it completely alone because she has no one but me.
At the YMCA this morning the teachers were sitting around talking about the fact that so many of the kids that they have spent so many years with will be leaving to start Kindergarten next year. Aislin is one of those kids. I can’t believe that she is about to start real school and that she will have performances and report cards – none of which her dad will ever see.
Merry Christmas, Aislin.
posted by Stephanie at
8:42 AM
1 Comments:
Honey...I wish I had a magic wand I could wave for you. I know what you're going through...well, kinda. I was Aislin...my dad was much the same. And my mum struggled with what you're having to. You are a good mom, never doubt that. And kids are smart...Aislin will see her father for what he is. And what he isn't. But it is always rough to watch someone you love in pain. I've got an ear and a shoulder for you if you need them.
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