Responsibilities

The past few months have been filled with excess and lack of responsibility. I'm basically ok with that. So far, no harm has really come to anyone but it is starting to catch up with me.

For instance, Aislin can't go to pre-school tomorrow because I forgot to pay the bill. I have the money, I just never got around to paying for it. In fact, I finally dug though this pile of 'stuff' on the floor at the foot of my 'bed' and found a whole stack of unopened mail. I have a bad habit of only going to the post office when I know that I have netflix on the way and never bothering to open any of the other mail until it's too late. It generally goes untouched on the floor, desk, dresser, in my glovebox, and once in the refrigerator.

So, tonight I'm going to try and pay a bill or two. Just for kicks, you know. I did manage to finally mail my rent out today. It's late, but at least I finally mailed it. It had been sitting in the bottom of my purse for three or four days already stamped and ready to go.

To make things more difficult, tonight at the laundry mat I found a surprise in the dryer. My ATM card. The numbers had melted flat into the plastic card. I'm guessing that since it is totally warped that it isn't going to work anymore. Have to try to remember to call the bank tomorrow for another one. In the meantime I have another ATM card for another bank with some funds stashed away.

I've had a wierd muscle spasm in my right biceps that has lasted for three days now. It's sad that I'm almost getting used to it. It doesn't hurt, just twitches constantly. Can I count it as a workout? Also, in relation to my arm, today I got a TB test. I hadn't had one since 1994 and I had to get one for livescan testing. The test has certainly changed since I last got one. Before they just poked you with this little tack and told you to call if your arm does something funny within three days. Now the test involves an actual needle and fluid. It didn't help things that my arm was twitching and she wouldn't use my left arm. Then after she had sterilized the area with alcohol a doctor walked in and stopped her saying 'Whoa, little high there girl, don't you think?" Apparently he thought she was headed right for a vein, which she wasn't. She was doing it perfectly fine. Since he touched my arm, the area was contaminated and she started bitching at him. He kept telling her to just swap out the needle. He didn't understand that all he had contaminated was my skin. She just sterilized it again and jabbed the little needle under my skin then pumped it full of fluid. It was gross. It's not an intramuscular injection, it just sits directly under your skin. So I walked out with this bleeding hole in my arm which had a spot swollen to the size of a dime with fluid. And the doctor wouldn't let me have a bandaid.

The things I do for my kids. I have to go back Thursday for them to look at it and get my results. I'm kinda freaked out because even though I can rationalize that I don't have TB, my mom DID have it. And survived it. If I get it, I'm going to only refer to it as consumption because it sounds so much more romantic.

And in the romance category...depression. Robert called out of the blue yesterday and left a lengthy message of nothing. I haven't got the emotional energy left to call him back. I miss him and I don't want to start talking to him and end up missing him more. He likes boys with nice eyebrows. He lives 400 miles away. He makes me sigh.

I still have to mail his clothes back.

I found my cell phone in my car. I have a million missed calls that I haven't returned.

I keep making typo errors and I'm going to blame them all on my nervous arm twitch.

I'm tired but I know there is something that I forgot to do tonight. I have no idea what, just a nagging feeling. I need some down time. I know I keep saying it and not doing it but I think if I don't that I will end up completely ruining my life. I am never home anymore, which is fine because I basically hate my house. I feel stir crazy when I am here. In fact, Sacramento is shrinking on me and I feel the constant need to travel.

When Lhiannan goes on spring break I'm just going to take her to the Bay Area on Amtrak because I don't want to risk driving my car even that far right now. Instead of coming right back maybe I'll disappear into the city for awhile. Who knows. I'm feeling half-way lost and wanting to be all the way lost.

Maybe this is all work related blues. My job sucks. The company I work for sucks even more. The fire alarm went off last week (the day after the layoff announcement) and we all had to shuffle out of the building. On the way out I noticed fire doors that were locked that I had never seen before. Once outside I envisioned that this was the way everyone would go. They pull the fire alarm, get us all outside, then lock the doors and start distributing final paychecks.

This didn't happen of course. Kayte and I sat around watching an episode of "the office" on my iPod while the fire department passed our building about 4 times and finally came in and did nothing and we all shuffled back inside.