Christmas

Now that it is finally over...here is the wisdom I've brought away from the holidays.

1. NEVER wear a skirt to sit on Santa's lap.

After much primping in the bathroom at the Country Club Plaza mall, Temperance and I got our photos with Santa. Thankfully, we were the only people there at the time because we would have seriously held up the line. Photo 1 went well as it was just Temperance and I though she initially did not want to actually sit on Santa's lap. He assured her that he worked out every day and that he could "handle" both of us. Photos 2-4 were just me and Santa. The first included a bit of a view up my skirt so with the second I crossed my legs, apparently providing a view of "the whole Nile valley" as the photo elf so elegantly stated. The third I covered myself with BOTH hands but had my eyes closed. At this point Santa pulled out a battery operated hand held fan from inside his Santa suit and fanned me. "Just let me know when you are ready." The final picture turned out ok, but I had given up on smiling. Now that I look at it, I still look like I'm 12 years old so I don't know what I was worried about.

2. Christmas trees require "Christmas tree stands".

I knew this somehow, but it was knowledge that was deep in the back of my brain and I did not realize how important the tree stand was until I actually had the tree at my house and was unable to make it stand up. My tree sat for almost two days propped up against a bookcase sitting in a big bowl of water.


3. Christmas trees die very quickly.

I had to drag the tree up the (indoor, carpeted) stairs. Pine needles everywhere. I had to prop it against a bookcase. Needles everywhere. I had to have part of the bottom cut off after I got the stupid tree stand. Needles everywhere. So I vacuum. My vacuum explodes and melts all at the same time. I bought a new little vacuum but I have yet to vacuum again. I don't want to hurt the new vacuum and I know that getting it out of the house will be even more messy (though I honestly am going to just throw it down the stairs.

4. Glass paint doesn't ever really dry.

So when you try to paint glass ornaments with glass paint by pouring a little inside the ornament and swirling it around it will just end up with a puddle of paint in the bottom. At the end of the season you can just pour the paint out. Also, tinsel stuffed inside the ornament works well to hide the puddle of paint.


5. Fuck christmas spirit, don't let ANYONE stay on your couch.

This kindness backfired on me in the worst ways imaginable. I was lied to. I was taken advantage of. I was coerced into doing someone else's laundry. I kept my mouth shut when I was cooking dinner and was told, "You know, there's nothing hotter than an Irish girl peeling potatoes". The potato peeler nearly ended up inside his eye socket. This comment was only second on the list of "reasons to kill" to the 50 times he brought up "jokingly" that we should get married or that he would at least like to tell my ex that we had gotten married. But like all annoying insects, now that all the food and money is completely gone from my house, he left.

6. Speaking of which, fuck ex's, too. But, you know... don't really fuck them.

Josh was bad on my couch, but at least he did the dishes once. Today I had to deal with Andrew. I was very, very happy when yesterday Lhiannan, my oldest, called me from Folsom to tell me that she was in town and wanted to come see me. She has been in San Jose with her dad, new wife, and new kids for the last two weeks visiting during her winter break from school. I picked her up Christmas day and she spent the night. Tonight she was supposed to go back. I was annoyed already when for whatever reason he was insistent that I bring her back to him. I cannot logistically think of any way you could possibly drive from FOLSOM to SAN JOSE without driving through SACRAMENTO. He was obviously just being an asshole but I was trying to keep the peace despite the fact that I had called 7 times to find out what time to bring her back and he never returned the calls until we had sat down to eat dinner and he "was leaving in an hour no matter what". Jerk. I get on the freeway and start driving. We get as far as Rancho Cordova and I have her call him to let him know we are on the way. He asks her "do you need directions?" which completely stops me. Why would I need directions when I had just been there the day before. Why? Because he changed his mind and was now in Orangevale and wanted me to turn around and drive there instead. Fuck you, my friend.
Guess who isn't going back to her dad's for the rest of the Winter Break.



7. Lastly, making cookies is much messier than buying them store bought, but it is tons more fun.


Although I could have lived without having to call my mom and ask her where I went wrong with the icing.
Me: I'm making those cookies and they come with icing mix but no instructions.
Mom: What are you talking about?
Me: The peppermint ones...
Mom: Oh, I didn't make those.
Me: Ok, but how do you make icing. It's not on here anywhere.
Mom: Why wouldn't it be there?
Me: I don't know but it's not.
Mom: Then what's the part that says "Icing directions".
Me: Oh. Yeah. Those instructions.



8. Kelly Clarkson and Mariah Carey are actually tolerable...

...when played on your daughters kareoke machine while she sings along with her new microphone and dances by the light of her new disco ball.