Never in my entire life have I been so betrayed..
Today I got the final confirmation that my (ex) boyfriend had completely fucked with my computer, installed a keylogger, and has been logging into my myspace account to check all my messages. I'm pretty sure that I can't think of anything more fucked up to do to a person who you claim to love and who has only shown you love and patience. Well, the patience had definitely worn out. I am torn between calling the police or making sure every single person he has ever met knows what he has done and what he is capable of doing to people he 'cares about'.
The worst part of it is -- he had nothing to worry about. I never cheated on him. I recognize that I probably should have because then I'd at least have something to fall back on, but no I was good and faithful like a stupid fucking dog. All the messages he has read were completely harmless (or in one case totally planted to see if it would get a reaction out of him so that I would KNOW once and for all it was him.)
I certainly got a reaction.
Our relationship, if you want to call it that, was over anyway. I don't feel loss at all, I just feel completely betrayed and violated.
I will admit that for the last six months or so I have made absolutely no effort whatsoever in making him feel better for all his insane accusations and stupid jealousies. In fact it may have been longer. Our "relationship" was temporary (his words) and when I asked why we were together in that case all he could answer was that we were 'together while we are happy'. What the fuck is that? I want to spend my life with someone, not just 'together while we are happy'. I've done that before -- it's called a one night stand. i will not allow someone to put limits on a relationship that I am in. What happened to happily-ever-after? You can't just rob a person of that.
I know that everyone lectures me because I keep going back to him or letting him back in my life and in all honesty the only reason I did it was just to stop the drama and because of some small hope in the back of my brain that he would make all this up to me someday. That one morning he would just wake up and apologize and that from then on he would be good to me. I think I deserve that. he apparently does not.
Now I'm just going to go on with my life. I've tried to create 'situations' that will keep my mind totally preoccupied so that I won't have the opportunity to second guess my decisions. (I guess is sort of me admitting that I've been planning on leaving anyway...)
Hopefully my life, my mood, my sleep, my never eating, my self-esteem will all improve. I will have more time for my kids -- the only ones that truly love me and the ones who have really suffered because of this relationship.
Anyhow, hopefully a positive change.
The worst part of it is -- he had nothing to worry about. I never cheated on him. I recognize that I probably should have because then I'd at least have something to fall back on, but no I was good and faithful like a stupid fucking dog. All the messages he has read were completely harmless (or in one case totally planted to see if it would get a reaction out of him so that I would KNOW once and for all it was him.)
I certainly got a reaction.
Our relationship, if you want to call it that, was over anyway. I don't feel loss at all, I just feel completely betrayed and violated.
I will admit that for the last six months or so I have made absolutely no effort whatsoever in making him feel better for all his insane accusations and stupid jealousies. In fact it may have been longer. Our "relationship" was temporary (his words) and when I asked why we were together in that case all he could answer was that we were 'together while we are happy'. What the fuck is that? I want to spend my life with someone, not just 'together while we are happy'. I've done that before -- it's called a one night stand. i will not allow someone to put limits on a relationship that I am in. What happened to happily-ever-after? You can't just rob a person of that.
I know that everyone lectures me because I keep going back to him or letting him back in my life and in all honesty the only reason I did it was just to stop the drama and because of some small hope in the back of my brain that he would make all this up to me someday. That one morning he would just wake up and apologize and that from then on he would be good to me. I think I deserve that. he apparently does not.
Now I'm just going to go on with my life. I've tried to create 'situations' that will keep my mind totally preoccupied so that I won't have the opportunity to second guess my decisions. (I guess is sort of me admitting that I've been planning on leaving anyway...)
Hopefully my life, my mood, my sleep, my never eating, my self-esteem will all improve. I will have more time for my kids -- the only ones that truly love me and the ones who have really suffered because of this relationship.
Anyhow, hopefully a positive change.
posted by Stephanie at
12:10 PM
1 Comments:
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm definitely going to do my best. Thankfully the kids are from a previous relationship and are only effected by the amount I spend or do not spend with them, and of course my mood as a result, but not by the actions that occurred...
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